In seeking Truth, one must also know that there are lies.

The feeling that while it's a very long way from good, one can't say it is on the horribad levels that others have experienced before

Dear person I know and have a meaningful relationship with, I address you. No. Not you, it can't BE you. But you, you, you and yes, you too. I would like to punch you in the face. Honestly. It may take me 30 seconds, it may take me 30 years, but I am pretty sure at some point in the future, I will feel like it. Very likely in the past as well. I apologize and make a disclaimer: I do not love you.

Let me get this straight: 'i' cannot love. It's been tried before and mostly what happens is that 'i' find out you are nothing like me/God at all and then 'i' want to punch you in the face. Even right now. Yes. Right this very moment, YOU could be the one 'i' would dearly like to serve what is known as a "knuckle sandwich" in the hopes that my cry of "why can't you be more like me/God" and "what is WRONG with you" be heard in no uncertain terms. Also in a non-hypocritical way. Since, you know, the "me/God" does not equate equality but a substitution, for whenever occasions call for it.

'i' cannot love. Oh no. Not at all. But I believe God for His purposes would like to love you through this 'i'. That, I think, is what accounts for those moments of blinding purity that 'i' have no business claiming credit for. See, 'i' can only choose. And a lot of times, 'i' choose wrong. While 'i' want you to choose right ALL THE TIME, it's not possible and very selfish on my part.

So 'i' resort to poor expressions of passive aggression online (a first for me) which will leave you wary of the next time I come within an arm's reach of you which may or may not be accompanied by a scowl.

'i' almost hope God just lets me do this one day. I kid. Almost.

Regards.

-

What are You even saying. 'i' don't want to learn. I only want to punch lower lifeforms in the face. I want an all-out fight that at the end everyone no longer has any energy to hate or argue. Is that a lot to ask?

-



Call me a pansy. Call me ignorant. Call me prideful. It will be true. And just as long as you see that it is true for yourself as well, like I do, 'i' may hug you instead. God help us all.

His Love is Enough

This is a more well thought out, modified and alternately titled version of something I wanted to say in front of a group of people. It was a smaller number than I would've wanted, though probably a good thing, as you'll find out. I got pressured (kidding) into reviewing and redoing this thanks in no small part to my poor communication skills, here compensated by the fact that it takes significantly longer to type something out than say. I probably should've wrote it all down in the the first place, so that I could type and retype and rephrase and delete and repeat etc etc to my heart's content, but alas, laziness allowed me to rationalize that being loose and flow-y was a better option, to 'facilitate the Holy Spirit's work'. I don't know if I was outrightly wrong, if gut feel is anything to go by, I didn't do anything I regret now.

Basically what I wanted to say was this: people are fundamentally horrible to live and work with, and the church is no exception. Making the Gospel come alive, so to speak, means that God's people must stick together and not just like but love each other, which takes a literal superhuman effort.

I mean. Just look at your family. I see mine often enough. Sometimes I think way too often. And I think my problem is that over the years I've become more able without a prerequisite 5 minutes of deep thought to point out what parts of the relationships suck than which parts I enjoy, but that's where I'm at on my journey. Maybe you haven't come to the realization yet that the people you know and even like aren't perfect and maybe you won't even need to confront that fact emotionally (that's incredible if that's you; certainly God's grace is responsible for that). Maybe you think I have it easy compared to what you're going through (which I am inclined to agree). Maybe you've worked this out already and have come to understand what 'love' really means. Me jelly.

I use the example of family, because that seems to be the most universally understood unit of a (dys)functioning society, and it's where I feel I am at a period (a long one) of tension that comes before progress. I don't think I have to elaborate how all organizations and especially a church at its core functions like a family of sorts. I also don't think I have to mention how these units breakdown all the time. I could also say that at the heart of every failed relationship personal or otherwise is a result of unaired expectations, but there's more to it.

Now let's talk about the church. From where I'm at and can legitimately comment on: we're so far from the ideal it's not even funny. Now, mind, I'm talking about my church, in the ministry I'm involved in. Of course, individually in relationships I am sure we have something close to what we're aiming for here but I'm talking about the whole feel of it. The very essence and identity, if you could call it that. It's not there.

Where is the humility, the sensitivity, the awareness, the meeting of needs: of the other person, the unfamiliar, the too familiar? Where is the urgent, desperate need to mend fences, break down walls , scale high towers? (Eph 4:1-6)

Where is THE LOVE OF CHRIST, FOR GOD'S SAKE?

Sure, we're mostly (I can't even say "all") 'good Christians'. Polite, well-mannered, decent. Will the real non-plastic people please start fighting? Don't get me wrong: I'm not about to advocate a alcohol-fueled, profanity laced orgy in place of a worship service. But since when has it become 'not okay' to bring things, all sorts of things, into the Light that we profess to bask in? This Light, not from a nice, warm pleasant little hearth, but also known as All-Consuming Fire? Has it not been obvious enough that the gold and silver will not burn like the wood and dross? (Eph 5:6-14)

It seems to me then that it is obvious we do not know the Person of God well enough.

We want to understand His will but do not understand His heart. We want His plans, His goals clearly laid out, but we forget His vision.

To know Him is to know His love. His love is enough to see us through. It is His love and His love alone why any person would even bother choosing to love. No amount of time spent hanging out, good fellowship, pleasant personality, decent looks, excellent work ethic or common interest will ever amount to this one thing, this one reason. His love is the sole reason that can stand relationship tests of anger, jealousy and pride.

We are the ingredients in relationships. We break. When we are the SOLE ingredients, relationships are doomed to fail from the start. It's a strong stance, but in my opinion the love of God must be present for any semblance of true relationship. We love because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19) God alone is what makes His people, His. He works in and through us. We must constantly be reminded that what unites is in fact otherworldly, known imperfectly in this realm. (Eph 4:4-6)

I do not think I could actually love anyone other than myself (even then, how hard it is!), if not for the revelation of His love to me, of His loving of other people through me. All glory to God, then, and rightfully so. But I had to first choose to know Him, knowing that if there was anything I disagreed with Him about, I would be most definitely be wrong and have to change! Plus He even says that the change would only be complete when I see Him face to face and that it would be a painful process of surrender. So I know here what I'm signing up for. I can say this empty of sarcasm, with genuine belief and a bit of humour, because I know Him.

Go read Ephesians 4-5:21 yourself. Read all of Ephesians if you have to. There is no better way to know what's on God's mind than reading His Word and seeking, asking Him for, His revelation. Mere words are written and spoken by men, prone to error, subject to the tides of culture. Real meaning for a reader and listener is given by God, because only He, unquestioningly and consistently, can change lives.

Appearances

If people don't judge, why am I nearly always asked, "Why are you wearing a tie?"

I think appearances usually have only one of two aims: to conform or to stand out. There is a third outcome, that of 'no aim' - simply a 'whatever I feel like'.

I actually do think about how I'm going to dress myself depending on who I'm going to meet, mostly along the lines of "How well do I know them?", "How do I best present myself in a way that I will be accepted?"

General rule of thumb: the more ridiculous I look, the more familiar and hence comfortable I am with person(s) and/or situation.

Now this kind of makes me look shallow.

I'd like to suggest that it's not. Really.

A chef would seriously think about how food is presented, because the smell and the look of food would be in one's mind before what it actually tastes like, and we're not even going into how healthy it is or how much it costs here. So many things to present, from the very first impression. All important.

Feel free to replace "chef" and "food" with whatever you can connect with better.

So you want people to know you? What you think, feel, believe? And care?

One of many revisits

A perspective I usually have. As articulated by someone with talent and practice in articulation.

I know; this is lazy.

Humility

Takes a bite out of your being.
Washes away the cloying sweetness of acheivement.
Hits where it hurts.

Allows for His strength to be strong.

My mind

This. And this. And this.

Interesting. I have to hold these at bay ALL THE TIME when I start talking and thinking too much.

I feel like I can't really write. Or think. Or speak. Or feel. Yet I presume to teach sometimes.

When is humility just crushing self defeat? When is pride just quiet confidence?

Ah. Who can deliver me from this body of death indeed.

It really is You.

the noblest cause

may i suggest that it is to educate. about right now you're thinking: so this guy wants to be a teacher. well as for that career choice (teacher in the general sense not the very specific classroom warrior) i haven't completely ruled it out and don't feel the need to hide my passion for it behind the veneer of 'i think this is so uncool, thus i am cool', but that's not what i'm trying to get at.

perhaps i am too obsessed about knowledge and the thrill of knowing, but is there anything better than passing on what you know to be true to another person? what about passing on HOW you know truth? the aim here then, is very obviously to educate not instruct, if i may dare suggest a difference between the two that i hope people understand. i have an aversion to instruction, which is sad really, because instruction does have its place and when there are opportunities i think i waste them.

the reason i don't 'like' instructing in the sense where i tell someone 'the right thing (to do)' is not because i do not believe in 'right'. in fact i believe in Right. i seem to value the honest process it takes to come to a conclusion about Right possibly because it has made the most impact for me.

in this sense then, i have never really regarded anyone as being my personal teachers. apologies to anyone who may be offended. i more or less have learned from these people and/or sources available to me and kind of cannibalise parts of ideas everywhere and make them my own because i believe ideas taken wholesale cannot be refined and will never be called one's own until one has taken it apart, stared at the insides, and reverse engineered it. sort of like how taking a mechanical object apart and putting it back together gives you a sense of ownership. i was going to say "watch" but then i find that the very good example of stripping and assembling a rifle is already within my understanding and experience. there are many like it, but this one is mine and all that.

also another analogy i like to use about ideas and the taking ownership of them is that of a baby. you know how the most common reaction to them would be how cute they are? well it doesn't really have any real meaning or gravity unless the person in whom the reaction had been elicited from has woken up at 3am to soothe the baby back to sleep or worked to earn the money to pay for the diapers which the person will have to change and dispose of a few minutes prior to lunch. cute baby huh.

this is why i do what i do i guess.

overlap

why is it some people are afraid of letting their circles of friends overlap? even their families. maybe they aren't. but to me when one keeps from mentioning different commitments to different parties in a bid to promote mutual understanding, that's just weird. it's an irrational thing i do sometimes too.

"i'm going off now." "i was out." "gonna meet some friends."

i mean. was throwing in some names so hard? or at least some details? would the mentioned parties be offended/prefer it this way if they knew? because hey, you gotta assume the party you're speaking to actually cares, or what else is your relationship built on anyways.

tl;dr i prefer being referred to by my name in any third party conversation because it builds my ego.

transparency

i'll leave everything here. it is evidence of growth.

more to come.

The long run

Military life so far seems to be quite what I expected.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Unreal

That the IB results have been released. And that I'm going to enlist tomorrow. Exciting.

On fighting

I don't. Really. I just kind of let things happen. I don't resist. Which sucks. It's been going on and on and on. I'm not tough enough, strong enough, fast enough, skilled enough. I don't go the distance. I don't improve. Not enough. And so I lose. Submit. Give up. Stay mediocre. Stay in crap but familiar surroundings.

I am my own worst enemy. I can't do this alone but even then it is always a choice I make.

Scared of hard work.

So ironically (or appropriately), I just picked up a combat sport. After failing (it really depends on who you ask) in this other awesome sport.

Soon.

Let's see.


The only thing keeping me going is that I'm still a work in progress. But there are days it seems like the 'other' me is tearing everything apart.

Thank you BT hahaha

This is nice.

I feel

Like a champ. EE (draft one) DONE! I thank God regardless. For without Him all I do will be impossible. The best is yet to be.

I mean it lah.

Says a lot about what I'm using my time for

Who doesn't want a Mac?

What I would like right now

EE done
IAs done

...among other things. Such as knowing why I was compelled to write such an inane post.

The New Year

Well. If anything, I resolve not to be casual in the things I do or pursue. We're talking like, being intense here. I'm done mucking about.

'Cher

Whoa. Was it really eight years ago that I sat for the selection tests that I'm NOW INVIGILATING? That's. Mad.

And. In case you didn't know. Only in a certain family of schools are teachers referred to as 'sir' and 'madam'. Not, as you may address them, as 'teacher' or simply 'cher'. Or Mr/Ms/Mdm . Therefore, being in this certain family of schools and a student myself, being referred to as 'teacher' and being alerted (or rather being asked for permission) everytime a kid needed to "go toilet" or "drink water" was a new experience. Whether I could get used to it or not is another matter entirely. Although the feeling of having young impressionable minds within one's influence is rather unnerving, being oppressively full of responsibility, I suppose God has a way of preparing one for certain specific near-future situations one is likely to find oneself in.

One thing is certain. I. Need. (non-baggy, non-loose (read: fitting, not stiflingly tight), flat fronted, dark coloured) Pants.

Gripping Stuff

This is, well, Gripping Stuff. Some may find it Faintly Amusing. Or even Extremely Disturbing. It is, however, Certainly Dangerous. Consider yourself Duly Warned.

Think very hard BEFORE clicking that link.

How strong is your faith? No. Really.